so I'm taking off now to do this

maybe after we get back next week, I'll get around to finding myself a real job

my head's going to explode

i just had the most infuriating set of exchanges with various Verizon (landline, not wireless) personnel. what it boils down to is that they:

A) said back on June 19 they would hook up our landline this week,
B) actually did hook up our landline this week as promised,
       and here's the best part:
C) are now refusing to believe our landline is currently hooked up to Verizon and are saying they can't activate our service (which is already activated) until July 11

normally, that would be fine. it would mean we'd be getting a couple weeks of free phone service. but as it stands, our Verizon DSL is going to be delayed until around July 19 b/c the DSL folks can't touch us until the landline folks put the notation on our account that we're hooked up

and the kicker is that I already made a big fuss with our old ISP to cancel our internet service with them effective midnight tomorrow based on Verizon telling me that we would have DSL much sooner than July 19

great "customer service" Verizon. i can't believe we're actually fighting with you to be your customer, when it seems like you're trying your best to not allow us to be your customer. this stuff really pisses me off

Things like this can't help but be funny...


keep your eyes open for an extra item briefly inserted in the background


And while we're linking, there's also this nugget from BoingBoing. If you want to see the goods (kids jamming out on Sesame Street), flip ahead to around 4:00 or 6:00 of Superstitious.

Okay, someone please turn off the rain now

WTF?

I feel like I might need a kayak to get home from downtown tonight.

Real Men of Genius

So how is it that such a shitty beverage has such a fantastic advertising campaign?

After recently talking to Joe about this, I went out and found two sites ( link / link ) which have many of the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" ads archived. Here are a few of my favorites:

       Mr. Hot Dog Eating Contest Contestant
       Mr. Nosebleed Section Ticket Holder Guy
       Mr. Really Stinky Breath Breather Outer
       Mr. Jean Shorts Inventor

And just for good measure, here are a couple of the TV spots:

       Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer
       Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer

A couple good links

- Anonymous Law Firm -- A mostly funny fake law firm website. You'll need to click around a little.

- The story behind Adidas vs. Puma -- An interesting piece from the BBC about the background of the athletic companies' competition going all the way back to a single small town in southern Germany that literally split over the rivalry.

Hockey's over... basketball will be over tonight or Thursday... let's go Pirates!

But in all seriousness, I'm so glad I am not a baseball fan. Because if I was a baseball fan, I would be a Pirates fan. And that would make for a miserable summer. Despite scoring almost as many runs as their opponents (they've only been outscored 348 to 321 for the season), they are still somehow on pace to finish with a 59-103 record. Basically, their pattern is: win a game by six and then lose the next three by a total of six.

Only ten weeks until football season.


6-21-06 UPDATE: I should add that the Pirates are now facing Kansas City in a battle royal to determine who really is the worst team in baseball. The Pirates "won" (i.e. lost) round one last night by issuing 11 walks and giving up nine consecutive runs after taking an early 5-1 lead.


6-21-06 UPDATE 2: The Pirates are on quite a roll. They took a 4-0 lead into the bottom of the sixth inning against the Royals this evening... before blowing it to snatch yet another defeat from the not-so-powerful jaws of victory.


6-23-06 UPDATE: The Bucs went on to lose game three of the Toilet Bowl Series last night to complete Kansas City's sweep and to extend their losing streak to eight.

So exactly how long will it be until the insurgency's "last throes" are done?

It's been one year since Dick Cheney explained to us that the Iraqi insurgency was in its "last throes."

Okay, sure, perhaps a very specifically defined insurgency was/is indeed in its last throes... but how about the low level civil war that we kicked off and have been standing in the middle of??? Since the end of our large scale military operations in May 2003, even the most conservative estimates acknowledge that at least 20,000 Iraqi civilians, police, and military members have been killed in the violence. Many estimates are at double or triple that amount. Everyone's pretending this is something else, but it sounds like a small scale civil war to me.

Capturing Saddam Hussein in December 2003 had no effect on the violence. And killing Abu Musab al-Zarqawi earlier this month also seems to have had no effect, judging by today's grim headlines.

As Colin Powell warned President Bush in 2002, "You break it, you own it."   And it sure looks like we broke the hell out of it.

The New Roethlisberger

This was a somewhat crude photoshop job passed along to me by my parents, but it definitely made me laugh when I saw it...


Hey you guys! (link)

Last good sports weekend until September

Stanley Cup game six tomorrow... NBA Finals game five Sunday... World Cup and U.S. Open coverage all weekend

Drink it in and savor it because after this weekend, there's a two and half month dry spell until football season gets going!

Strange Dream

I recently had a dream that Mary's car was leaking [the toxic substance which has caused the environmental and toxic tort litigation that has led to the confidential document review I'm working on] and that somehow the city found out about the leak. So they sent a huge crew of hazmat personnel -- complete with the super biohazard space suits -- to where the car was parked. They wound up impounding the car. And then they billed us some insane amount like $50,000 to pay for the environmental cleanup.

Damn. That would really suck if it happened in real life!


Also mildly amusing: When I recently took a look for something in the spam folder on my Gmail account's web interface, the embedded content-based advertising provided a link for a Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole recipe. Yuck.

De facto evidence that there is no oil around Hawaii

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13300363

Me and my other "Sam"

Federal judge orders parties to settle their technical squabble by playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" if they can't otherwise agree

No kidding. The Court was forced to create a "new form of alternative dispute resolution," as the judge put it. The counsel for these two parties must have really pissed off this Court to get an order like this:

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA
ORLANDO DIVISION


AVISTA MANAGEMENT, INC.,
d/b/a Avista Plex, Inc.,
Plaintiff,
   -vs-
WAUSAU UNDERWRITERS INSURANCE
COMPANY,
Defendant.

Case No. 6:05-cv-1430-Orl-31JGG
(Consolidated)
______________________________________

                       ORDER

      This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff's Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is

      ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of "rock, paper, scissors." The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.

      DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.

          Gregory A. Presnell
          United States District Judge

Celebrity Update 2

This afternoon, I trekked out to Norway, Iowa to catch the filming of The Final Season. I brought with me a newly-purchased copy of the Goonies, metallic sharpie, and disposable camera. The cast was filming the final game of the regular baseball season, and most of the stars were on the set. After a week of staying in the same hotel as Sean Astin, I finally saw him in person at the fields. When there was a break in the filming, I seized the only opportunity that fell my way to approach him. Yeah, I felt like an ass, but I knew this was my only chance - he was Mikey, for crying out loud. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I could barely speak. But, I managed to squeak out a few words and now have an autographed copy of the Goonies and a self picture of Sean and myself (taken by Sean - will post the picture after it is developed).

To add to the excitement, I sat as an extra in three of the scenes. I was one of the fans in the bleachers, so look for me when you see the film. I was the chick with the Maryland tee-shirt.

Other celebs at the filed included Mackenzie Astin, Michael Angarano, and Larry Miller. I didn't approach them, but got a few stares in.

This concludes my celebrity blogging from Cedar Rapids. I am flying back to DC tomorrow morning. This was hands-down the best business trip I've ever been on. After being in LA for a week and only seeing Don King, and in DC during the filming of a Nicole Kidman movie without seeing her, I had to come to Iowa to rub elbows with the stars.

Celebrity Update

I just had a conversation with Powers Boothe and the reception desk attendant about skydiving and what is wrong with the public school system (in particular, the LA schools). Powers smokes cigars, eats at Wendys, and is afraid of heights.

No Sean Astin sighting yet, but he is definitely at the hotel. The reception desk attendant had him sign her copy of the Goonies. He signed it, "Goonies never say die." I am SO going to Target tomorrow and buying a copy of the Goonies for him to sign. I think I will have him write, "It's our time. OUR time." Sean gets his sugar fix by eating Twix candy bars, has been married for 16 years, is 37 (?), and has three children.

Tom Arnold is checking out of the hotel tomorrow morning. Apparently, he can be a handful, but has been low maintenance so far. He only asks that a newspaper be held for him, and no calls be forwarded to his room.

If you have any questions about TA, SA, or PB that you are dying to have answered, I am only in town for one more night...

What do you do when...

you are working out on the machine next to Tom Arnold, and the Roseanne show comes on the television? You are in control of the remote control. Do you a) change the channel, b) leave the show on, or c) ask Tom Arnold what he wants to watch? If you choose to change the channel, you are bound to have a good workout, but run the risk of insulting Mr. Arnold's work. If you leave the show on, the next 30 minutes of your workout will be agony, Tom will think you left the show on b/c he is in the room, but you are not insulting his work. If you ask Tom what he wants, he can decide if he wants to workout to himself or not or throw the ball back in your court and say whatever you choose is fine with me.

Thankfully, I did not have to make any of the above choices during my workout on the machine next to Tom Arnold. I chose to watch Friends, change the channel to Seinfeld, and then watch Sex and the City.

I am currently in Cedar Rapids, Iowa on a business trip. The hotel I am staying at hosts happy hour each night with snacks and a keg of beer. Powers Boothe was sitting at the table next to me enjoying a free beer. I had no idea who he was, but my coworkers did. He is in town filming a movie called The Final Season. After happy hour, I asked Sam to google the movie and see who else is starring in it. Turns out Tom Arnold, Sean Astin, and a bunch of others are in the cast. As luck would have it, we are all staying in the same hotel.

Anyhow, I was running on the treadmill in the exercise room and Tom Arnold hops onto the bike next to me. I said hi and how are you. He smiled and kindly responded back. As I was in possession of the remote, I asked him if he wanted to watch anything in particular. He said whatever I wanted to watch. I left Friends on the TV, but all I could think was, "I am running two feet away from Tom Arnold." And then all I could think was, "I can't believe I can hear Tom Arnold grunting two feet away from me." And then all I could think was, "Do I tell him how much I liked him in True Lies?" I decided not to say anything, as Tom was heavy into his workout, occasionally grunting and wiping off the sweat. To his defense, the room was small and definitely hot. For some strange reason, I felt as though I had to prove to myself that I could outlast him. Being that I started before him, I decided I had enough running and finished my workout before Tom. He asked for the remote and turned the channel to the news. As I left, I kindly wished him a good workout and said goodnight.

Tomorrow night the hotel is hosting a BBQ. I plan to buy a disposable camera in the hopes of seeing Tom and Sean and getting a memento of my stay in Cedar Rapids.

Highway robbery

Mary and I were paying $57 per month after fees and taxes for a local landline and high speed cable internet combo package. A few months back, RCN jacked it up to $64 without telling us. And now this month, again without any warning whatsoever, RCN jacked it up to $84 per month. (in case you're wondering, RCN does not require long-term contracts -- and apparently they also lack common sense when it comes to customer care and retention)

Talk about the straw that broke the camel's back! There's no way in hell we'll be RCN customers when July 1 rolls around.

On tap this week in DC:

The President and his party using thinly veiled gay bashing for the sake of bringing back a few voters to their squalid, stench-ridden GOP camp for the November mid-term elections.   And here I was, thinking we already went through this song and dance two years ago. Guess I must have been mistaken. Silly me.

Bottom line = its looking like yet another week where I'm not going to be too proud of being an American.   Let's just hope that, as in 2004, they fail to even gather a symbolic 50 votes in the Senate.


6-7-06 UPDATE: Once again, the GOP failed to even reach 50 votes let alone come anywhere near the 67 they would need to get the ball rolling on an amendment. Nice work, losers.

And the sucking continues...

Totally choked on my tryout with Potomac today. I can't get over how clear it was that I was the least productive player on the field. Thinking about it now, I guess there was a conglomeration of issues at play to form a "perfect storm" of suckage:

1) It was a practice. And I'm not a practice player. I never was and never will be. Even more so than most people, I just don't perform well unless actually going up against other teams in a tournament setting.

2) It was pretty windy for most of the time. Cutting and defense are what could get me onto an elite level men's team. Throwing is not really where I excel. And when its windy, that fact becomes much more obvious.

3) I've barely played a lick of serious ultimate in the past 20 months dating back to 2004 regionals. And I definitely haven't played any high level men's ultimate since then. Even though I've stayed in good shape, my timing just wasn't right out there.

4) I flat out sucked, plain and simple. A couple of my turnovers on offense were pretty horrible. And perhaps even worse, I feel like I had no juice. There were a couple opportunities for me to lay out and get big D blocks and I didn't have the spring in my legs.

Pretty disappointing overall. I haven't been able to get back to where I was during the year or so before I left DC for law school and the two years I played with Pittsburgh during law school. While playing with Pittsburgh, I was among the top half or perhaps top third of the players on a team that at one point was strong enough to upset Pike (one of the best men's teams in the country), win the PA/NJ/DE section, and advance to Sunday at regionals. I'm just not that player right now.

So since I'm definitely cut from Potomac and I've already missed the tryout period for DC's second tier men's team, I guess I'll be playing with a coed club team this season.

In the meantime, I'm off to have a crazy-ass evening: DC to Maryland for dinner with Mary's family. Then Maryland to Virginia to catch X-Men 3 with Joe.

Is it possible to suck any more than I did last night at practice?

Not likely.

Along with fine help in the sucking department from Nadine, I managed to be a part of something like four consecutive handler-to-handler turnovers on or around our own damn goalline. One of them wound up being a callahan (non-ultimate people: let's just say this means interception instantly returned for a touchdown... in other words, a "Tommy Maddox").   We couldn't even complete a freakin dump pass (non-ultimate people: think easy four yard toss). Definitely a rec league moment.

Anyway, I never really recovered from that horrible display. I was mainly ineffective and bitter for the rest of practice. Oh well.


In other news, I started a new contract attorney project yesterday. I am now working at Arnold & Porter. The Arnold & Porter building is right at Metro Center which is plenty convenient. And yes, I said the A&P building. The law firm is huge. They have their own downtown building, complete with a day care center, a nice reasonably priced cafeteria, and a fitness center. So its basically the Borg of law firms.

Can you believe people like this exist?

The recent ABA Journal carried a nice recap of how the cops were able to close in on Dennis Rader, the self-proclaimed BTK killer that terrorized the Wichita area for years. What really shocked me (beyond the obviously horrible nature of the crimes committed) was the way Rader conducted himself in communications with law enforcement and how the cops were able to use his huge ego to collar him.

Some choice quotes from the story:

"I need to ask you, how come you lied to me? How come you lied to me?" Rader asked [police lieutenant] Landwehr near the start of what would become a 32-hour interrogation-turned- confession.

"Because I was trying to catch you," Landwehr replied matter-of-factly.

"He couldn't get over the fact that I would lie to him," Landwehr says. "He could not believe that I did not want this to go on forever."

"We couldn't shut him up," Landwehr says [regarding Rader's confession].

Rader felt a strange bond to him -- and to police in general -- Landwehr says, even remarking at one point that they were fellow law enforcement officers. Rader was actually a code compliance officer in the Wichita suburb of Park City.

Rader talked about his crimes -- and a host of other subjects -- in no particular order, according to Landwehr. And he was easily manipulated by his interrogators' feeding of his incredible egotism. In fact, he displayed such an infatuation with himself that he seemed to believe the police were his friends. Rader got so comfortable during the interview that at one point he told a police officer to "put 'BTK' on the lid" of his drinking cup before putting it in the refrigerator.

Two weeks later, a disk arrived in the mail at another TV station, along with a gold chain, a photocopied cover of a novel about a killer who bound and gagged his victims, and several 3-by-5 index cards, one of which gave instructions for communicating with BTK through the newspaper.

The disk contained one valid file bearing the message "this is a test" and directing police to read one of the accompanying index cards with instructions for further communications. In the "properties" section of the document, however, police found that the file had last been saved by someone named Dennis. They also found that the disk had been used at the Christ Lutheran Church and the Park City library.

Landwehr says Rader had taken pains to delete any identifying information from the disk. But he made the fatal mistake of taking the disk to his church to print out the file because the printer for his home computer wasn't working.