More bad movies

I've been out really late the last couple evenings, hanging out after late-night winter league ultimate games. Both nights, I turned on the TV in the 3 to 4AM range and found myself watching some bona fide awful films. I guess that's life without cable.

Last night, it was the 1980s anti-classic Burglar. This is what you get when you throw together the comedy stylings of Bob "Bobcat" Goldthwait with a top notch action star like Whoopi Goldberg. Sheer genius.


No Oscar nods for best actress or best supporting actor?
No Oscars for the effects and stunt work? WTF??

The night before, I was treated to the equally amazing Robocop 2. I only caught the last 30 or 40 minutes of this disaster. Then I saw the closing credits and, to my utter shock, learned that the movie was directed by Irvin Kershner (who was NOT associated with the original Robocop). Or more appropriately, Irvin "directed The Empire Strikes Back" Kershner. How did the guy fall so far from his pinnacle of success in 1980?


Could this be the worst sequel ever attempted??

The Perils of Pizza

This is a short story.

Man eats pizza. Man lets pizza sauce drip on his crotch. Man uses a wet paper towel to take care of the damage. Man uses too much water. Man spends half an hour at school looking like he wet himself.

Beer Drinking Vindication

About four weeks ago, I went out to Kelly's Bar & Lounge with Kevin and Lucinda. Nothing remarkable happened. I had two micros, we had a good time, I drove back home. When I got home, I stopped in at Dave Brown's since he had just moved into my building. I drank a PBR while there and then walked upstairs and went to bed.

Then I woke up 20 minutes later.

And, oh boy, was I sick. Just made it in time to the puke hole in the bathroom. I hadn't done THIS in a while.

How could this happen? Had I become this much of a beer wuss in my old age? I couldn't handle three beers over a couple hours? The next day, still feeling pretty rotten, I began thinking there might have been something wrong with the beer. Or in the alternative, that it might have been my fault, but only because the two micros from Kelly's were fairly strong and just should not have been mixed with Pabst. But there was also that embarrassing shadow of a doubt in the back of my mind... maybe I just couldn't hold my liquor.

But then last night, I learned I wasn't the only one that barfed after drinking a seemingly safe quantity of beer from Kelly's that night a month ago. Lucinda -- who also had only two or three beers -- projectile vomited while on the way home. And she actually contacted the health department about the tainted beer. So my problem wasn't with keeping down a few beers. The problem was that I couldn't handle the added bacteria!

Mmmmmmmmmm.... special bacteria brew

While I'm on the subject of interesting pictures, I might as well recommend reading this gory blog posting and checking out the links to the pictures I posted in the comment section.

Some random* funny pictures

I've got nothing remotely interesting to write about right now. However, while in the process of organizing zillions of old pictures, I recently came across a few entertaining ones:


My fiance at the Giza pyramid complex back in 1999, making out with the big guy



New Year's Eve 92-93 in Hollywood, FL. This is the handiwork of me and some of my more mature friends as viewed from 28 floors up in a nearby apartment building



Just your typical, run-of-the-mill moose attack... I took this picture a few years ago in Grand Teton National Park while standing outside our car. I heard Mary yell something about a moose, so I grabbed the camera, whirled around, and snapped this shot with robo-quickness before I even realized there was also a kid out there running straight at me with the moose in hot pursuit.



There's really not much I can say about this picture. You either know this guy (in which case, you understand that this is a downright fabulous picture) or you don't. But either way, its not every day you see a guy dancing around a toilet in a parking lot.



Back in my undergrad days, working for University of Maryland Residential Facilities


* I hope the Wandis Language Police Squad doesn't bust me for this unauthorized usage of the word "random."

The Pittsburgh Pirates are Squeaky Clean!

Well no shit, Sherlock. After a 12 year losing streak involving plenty of fly balls caught by opposing outfielders rather than fans sitting in outfield bleachers, I don't think too many people are pointing the finger of suspicion in our direction. Yet, this interviewer still found it necessary to ask Pirates' manager Lloyd McClendon about the issue.

But what if it turns out that the Pirates' locker room actually was a haven of steroid use? If that was the case, then it would mean the Pirates have been bad at both baseball AND cheating!

Some morning bus-ride observations

I hate taking a seat in the front of the bus or by the doors on the subway for one very specific reason: Tweeners. And I'm not talking about 12 year olds.

I'm talking about those particularly uncomfortable situations that arise when someone that's between ancient and late-middle-aged steps onto the bus and you're not sure what to do. For instance, this morning, an older woman got on the bus. She was probably around 65 or 70. Yet she did not have any trouble with the stairs or any other dead-giveaways that she needed a seat. And from what I could tell of her clothing and belongings, she may have been on her way to work rather than the grocery store.

So I don't want to look like an asshole and just sit there without offering a poor old lady my seat. And at the same time, I don't want to offend, embarrass, or depress this woman. Who wants to push the idea of old-age on a woman that may be fiercely independent and happy to stand along with all the college students and regular adults heading to work?

This is certainly among my top 5 most awkward/least favorite social situations. There are two acceptable results (offer the seat and she accepts it or don't offer and she didn't want it anyway) and two shitty results (offer and she does not want it or don't offer and she actually needed a seat). I wound up offering my seat, but the woman declined to take it. DOH!


Observation Two - the new one strap backpacks

I saw a lot of college students toting significant weight in these packs this morning and could only think one thing. The chiropractors and back specialists of America must be thinking... "CHA-CHING!"

Why do people wear these things?? How could something that is such an ergonomic nightmare ever become fashionable? My back goes out of whack just from LOOKING at people carrying more than a couple pounds in those bags.

Why is evenly distributing weight so unfashionable these days?

A great piece of spam

The following message just arrived in my mailbox:

  =====================================
    Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 01:52:18 -0700
    From: Angelita Worley (dabxjbjkjgs@hotmail.com)
    To: sls30@pitt.edu
    Subject: re[6]

    I feel deeply for your sorrow all round Martha Stewart And I can

    You'd better go in 1974
  =====================================

What the fuck does that even mean?

I have been depressed lately about poor Martha Stewart. Maybe I should go back in time to 1974 and warn her about her future run-in with the feds.

Bottom line... FREE MARTHA!

Asian Mafia Uncovered in Rockville

Note: Names of the eyewitnesses were changed for their protection.

Hidden under the storefront operation All Aboard Asian Café and advertisements for Bubble Tea, the Asian mafia was caught performing illegal business transactions in Rockville, MD.

Upon entering the small restaurant, two eyewitnesses observed every table littered with papers, high-end laptops, and cellular phones. Men in business suits occupied just about every seat. No one was eating. The Café came to a halt when the eyewitnesses, “Maria” and “Maria’s Friend” entered. Someone from behind the counter asked Maria and Maria’s Friend if they were planning to eat. Taken aback by the question, they both just nodded their heads and said “uh…..yeah?”

They were placed at a small 2-person table in the back corner of the restaurant. Next to them sat an older Asian man whom Maria and Maria’s Friend believed to be the godfather. As Maria and Maria’s Friend were discussing the menu, the godfather chimed in that he, himself, had made the coconut sauce for the thai curry chicken. Was this a sign? Was he going to poison them to keep them quiet? The godfather told them that they would be quizzed after reading the menu. Maria was convinced that if she failed, she would be whacked.

After the food was served, the businessmen continued to observe Maria and Maria’s Friend. Trying to make nice with the mafia, Maria stated that she was quite impressed with the quality of the food. Maria’s Friend added that she enjoyed her bubble tee with coconut milk. Maria and Maria’s Friend were then permitted to leave the establishment. They felt quite relieved, but nervous to turn their backs to the men upon leaving. As they reached the door, someone yelled after them, “If you need a mortgage, you know where to go. Plus the food is good, too.”

Brief Thoughts For the Day

Why the hell does the government continue to make pennies? Thanks to normal inflation, they've been absolutely useless for at least 15 or 20 years. Wouldn't it be nice to have everything rounded to the nearest nickel?

And why on Earth did our government commit to minting $1 coins without also committing to the phase out of $1 bills? Paper currency worth such a small amount is almost unheard of outside of our country. And while I'm at it, WTF is up with the continued sporadic printing of $2 bills???

(I take a shift selling candy/pop/snacks/etc at the law school's public interest table every Tuesday)

Karmic Rebound

So I guess my sister was bound to have something good come her way after her car was mauled by a tractor-trailer last week. So last night was it. Pats 24 - Eagles 21 was the exact score her and her boyfriend needed to win the final score jackpot in the Superbowl pool they entered. And it wasn't your typical dinky pool, either. One hundred dollar entry. I got in from Baltimore in time to watch the final quarter with them at her bar.

First, New England booted a field goal to go up 24-14 and put them close to the jackpot. So those last few minutes were pretty exciting. With the Eagles down 24-14, they were rooting for the Eagles to get a touchdown AND somehow run down the entire clock in the process. And as it turned out, it was like McNabb and the Eagles' offensive coordinator were playing for my sister instead of a Super Bowl trophy. The Eagles wasted an ungodly amount of time in the process of making it 24-21.

The final seconds were still nerve racking for Jess and Alec. Backed up to their own goal line with one final chance, the Eagles almost gave up a safety which would have blown their 24-21 final score. And then on the last play, it appeared that the Pats might have been able to run back the interception for a meaningless touchdown that also would have ruined their winning final score.

Sometimes the smallest tasks are the hardest

Occasionally, my up arrow button pops off my laptop's keyboard. I have no idea why this happens or why it happens only once every few months. Maybe I hit "up" with a kind of emotion which I lack for all other typing functions? Maybe there something to the fact that the up arrow is the only key on my laptop which has no neighbors to its left or right? Maybe, as with all of America's problems, gay marriage is to blame? The point is that it is shockingly annoying to get that sucker back on the keyboard.

The manual dexterity required to re-attach the little piece of plastic to the keyboard is incredible. That, or there's just some easy technique which I am way too much of a moron to employ. Currently, I often struggle for quite a while trying to get the tiny mechanism on the back of the up arrow to latch to the hooks on the keyboard.

I use a paper clip to assist. I bend over awkwardly to try to see under the key. If the computer is on, I end up hitting the shift and up arrow keys enough that it triggers random things to appear on-screen such as "enable hot keys? yes or no" And if I am in a class, I cannot idly sit by and wait until later -- I have to get it hooked on right there and then. In short, when this happens, I look like a complete dumbass fumbling around with a little piece of plastic for 10 minutes or more.

Eff you, Up Arrow!

The One Guy I'd Love to Slug This Week...

...would be the tractor-trailer driver that broadsided my sister on Monday night at the Waterfront and then sped off before anyone could even catch his plates.

And before I continue, yes, my sister is fine. Her car was jacked up pretty badly, so it sounds like she was lucky to come out without a scratch. Even at no more than 10mph, a tractor-trailer can put a real hurtin' on a little sporty two-door.

My sister was just sitting in traffic near an intersection, not moving, when this guy started accelerating towards her. She laid on her horn for a couple seconds, but the guy never took notice and rammed her on the driver's side as he turned. He continued his turn, stopped for a moment, and then took off. The guy behind my sister witnessed everything, but since he was worried about whether my sister was okay, he didn't look for the truck's license. Another witness was so enraged that she tried to track down and follow the truck, but had no luck.

Considering that my sister was not hurt, I'm not expecting an extensive investigation from the police. So there's a good chance this jerk will get away. I think its a fairly safe assumption that the guy was drunk and fled for fear of DUI charges and losing his job. And while I'm not a big fan of people's lives being wrecked by criminal charges, I'm even less of a fan of sharing the road with assholes like this. Hopefully nobody else has a run-in with the guy.


And then the weird thing was that I spent half the night Monday night having a very vivid nightmare about Mary being a big car crash (I did not find out about my sister's crash until Tuesday). So its almost like I sensed it, but had the wrong person in my dream.

I finally know who this guy is!



Last night I wound up watching most of an excellent episode of American Experience on PBS which focused on Fidel Castro. Though I was a history major as an undergrad in the 90s and still remain a bit of a history buff, I knew very little of Cuban history outside of the Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis before last night. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that PBS certainly deserves a "bravo!" for last night's American Experience.

As for the guy above. Maybe you're like me and have seen this guy's likeness all over the place during the past couple decades yet never knew who he was. I guess I've always been either not-quite-interested enough or maybe too embarrassed to ask about his identity. I learned last night that his name was Ernesto Rafael Guevara de la Serna, or more commonly Che Guevara. He was one of Castro's main men when he came to power 46 years ago (as an aside, how insane is it that Castro's been a world leader through 10 American presidencies?). In terms of his charisma and his ability to capture a Cuban audience, he was considered to be second only to Castro during the 1960s.

Later, rather than living it up and reveling in his heroic status back in Cuba, Guevara tried to bring Cuba's brand of popular revolution to South America. In the mid 60s, he and a small band of Cubans entered the high country of Bolivia hoping to recruit and inspire a revolution similar to the populist mountain-based Cuban revolution of the late 1950s.

Apparently, both the Communist Party in Bolivia and Castro himself turned their backs on Guevara and his men after their arrival in South America in an attempt to distance themselves from his concept of world revolution which was causing diplomatic problems for the Soviet Union. Guevara was also up against more than the Bolivian government once the CIA became involved. So they were cut off and completely alone. Eventually his band of guerrillas was captured and Guevara was executed in 1967. Yet his legend never died and he became a symbol of revolutionary spirit, even for non-Communists. But for me, he only became that guy that appeared on dorm-room walls... until yesterday when PBS saved the day.

[book report mode off]