All I Wanted to do Was Go For a Fucking Swim

On Monday night in Sequoia National Park, Mary and I decided to hike down to the small river passing through the canyon by our campsite. It was a very warm, sunny afternoon and I was excited about swimming in the clear, clean water. So excited, in fact, that as I took off my shirt, I forgot that my nice sunglasses were on my head.

Thanks to my brilliant shirt removal, my sunglasses launched into the river. I jumped right in after them, still wearing one sock, but it was no use. My sunglasses floated quickly downstream towards a beautiful sunset... and certain doom in the falls below. Mary had no idea what had happened, so she of course thought I was crazy when she saw me madly flail into the river with one sock on. Still, it was a gorgeous spot on a nice evening, so I took off my other sock and then got all the way in.

A few moments later, I came up from swimming under water. I was feeling AWESOME at that moment. I think Mary was even ready to plunge in all the way despite her usual aversion to cold water, but then she pointed out the black bear splashing around 15 or 20 yards upstream from us. Fucking bears.

So I lost my sunglasses and then only got to swim for like 9 seconds before we had to yield to a bear. What a pisser. At least we can say we got to swim with a bear.

Don't Do This While Doing Your Last Second Packing before a trip:

load of clothes in the washing machine... sharp tipped scissors left in shorts pocket

Sign Up Here to Have Your Kofner Beatdowns Personally Delivered

Mary and I are off to L.A. tomorrow for about a week. Should be nice. will be sure to blog after we meet all those movie star types

So Who's Been Living in My Apartment??

I just got a $26 gas bill for a mid-summer period when nobody (or so I thought!) was in the place. Art, living next door and actually in Pittsburgh during the past billing period, only got an $18 bill.

WTF??

A Winning Advertising Campaign

I noticed Riggs bank is running new-ish ads on the Metro trains, trying to pull in new personal banking customers. Their ads stress stuff like the personal touch and quality of service you'll get from the good ol' Riggs bank in your neighborhood.

There's of course one GIANT problem with all that. Riggs bank is no more. They've been swallowed up by PNC (yeah Pittsburgh!) who will be placing their name and management plan on every Riggs location in the near future.

Kind of funny to see a storied Washington institution disappear in such a way. Going out of existence with new ads still up on Metro trains is kind of like dying on the crapper, Elvis-style.

Reason #734 to Avoid Flying Russian Airlines
 
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3910965.stm

OUR WEDDING IS OFF

Mary and I aren't getting married anymore. Thanks to those dirty rotten, obstructionist Democrats, the activist judges, and the socialist media, it looks like marriage is doomed.

There's just no way we could be happily married at this point, knowing that somewhere out there, there are gay people who have not been branded as lesser human beings by our federal Constitution.
______________
But seriously, today went from crap to AWESOME for me when I saw the final roll call on the procedural vote. Only 48 senators! They couldn't even get a symbolic (though still meaningless) simple majority.

It's like I said from the start. In baseball terms, George Bush had an easy stand-up double if he wanted it. He had the initiative after the Massachusetts court ruling. If he had simply said, "the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act may be in jeopardy, let's enshrine it in the Constitution to permanently protect OTHER states" there would have been a real chance of passing an amendment. This is pretty much what John McCain said today in decrying the whole business.

Instead, Bush tried to leg it out for a triple. And he got nailed big-time. And now, on the heels of a major defeat, he's lost the initiative and his party looks like a bunch of tools regardless of their talk about getting folks on the record.

two thoughts from work yesterday

- I was at the deli, running the cash register. The classic rock station was on the radio with the volume turned up to a fairly loud setting. Pink Floyd's "Money" came on just as I was ringing someone up. And the intro portion of the song caused me to screw up!

First of all, the drawer sprung open just as the corresponding sound came out of the radio. That made me giggle a bit and sort of lose track of what I was doing. Then all those other sounds from the beginning of the song were blaring in my ear as I was trying to count the correct coins from the drawer. For that brief moment, I felt like I'd been getting high on the job and had just been caught being a total space cadet by the customer.

- My other thought: What has happened to the good old fashioned big red, white, and blue popsicle (which I've heard referred to as a Rocket Pop and a Bomb Pop among other names)? During the past couple months, it seems like Mary and I end up craving one every week or two while driving around, yet we never come up with anything. 7-11, CVS, Sheetz gas stations... all busts. Each time, we end up buying some overpriced ice cream treat or just grabbing a bottle of Gatorade instead. But no popsicles.

I thought of this yesterday, because while working at the deli, I noticed that our freezer up front actually has a big picture of the Red, White, and Blue pop on it. Yet when you look inside, all you find is ice cream. What the hell? This is America - we want our Red, White, and Blues!

APOCALYPSE NOW

Repent and be very afraid, the end is near.

a total loss of Pittsburgh "street cred"

One of the Washington Post's stories about the kickoff of the Kerry-Edwards ticket included a pretty funny sidenote which I had not heard reported elsewhere:

Shortly after arriving in Cleveland for their first campaign appearance together the day after Kerry's announcement, Teresa Heinz Kerry gives an introduction for the duo. She greets her "neighbors" from Cleveland and actually reminds the crowd that she's from Pittsburgh.

The crowd of 10,000 goes straight from cheers to boos. She then tries to calm things down, twice saying "c'mon, don't get sore," but the booing continues. This is how the Kerry-Edwards 04 campaign starts. With boos from a crowd of Democrats. I had been thinking it would be pretty cool to have a significant Pittsburgh tie-in to the White House, but that seems to be out the window now.

She had no idea that there was a Pittsburgh-Cleveland thing. And she actually thought she was going to get an extra nice crowd response by saying "Pittsburgh" to a Cleveland crowd. I mean... come on... her name is on our effing stadium!

I suggest that Ms. Heinz-Kerry be officially stripped of her Steelers Nation citizenship at the next meeting of the Supreme Yinzer Council.

The Guy is Still Automatic

I got home last night just before 8:00 and caught the end of Jeopardy. That Jennings guy (see my June 16 entry) is still on a roll. He's won 25 or 26 straight times and has over $800k. How could someone possess such a mountain of useless knowledge???

I wonder if after five weeks on the show, he's just started thinking of it as a regular, high-salary job.

Kerry/Edwards ticket announced... I hope the two rich white guys from my party beat the even richer and whiter duo from the other party.

Great Fourth

For once, my 4th of July did not involve getting my ass kicked at Mars, dealing with stifling heat and crowds on the Mall or at a bar, or going to some party that just couldn't possibly live up to the hype and hoopla of the day. Instead, we went to Mary's family's big shindig. It was a combination Independence Day/multi-birthday/family reunion thing at someone's farm down south from Manassas or west from Quantico out in rural Fauquier County, Virginia. [as a side note, I will never tire of pronouncing it "Fucker County"]

First of all, there was plenty of good beer and some fantastic Virginia barbecue. And the place was decked out for fun... big tents set up on the lawn for everyone, a pool in the backyard, karaoke on the front porch, a pond people could go fishing in, volleyball, etc, etc.

Everyone was having a great time, even through a brief downpour. I specifically loved sipping a beer while swaying on the porch swing with Mary, watching some hilariously bad karaoke renditions of Frank Sinatra tunes. But the highlight of the party for me was hearing Mary's uncle Dave come from the back yard to let the owners of the place know that "bacon is eating the garbage."

I of course could only wonder how the hell bacon could eat garbage, so I jumped up to go investigate. It turns out that the pet pig, named Bacon, was eating the trash from the party. Awesome. Just when it seemed like things couldn't be more fun, there's a pig named Bacon running around. Later, when sitting around eating, someone asked "why did Bacon run away?" I quickly answered "he probably caught a whiff of our huge tray of pork barbecue and knew what was up."

One Million Dollars!!!

Okay, I acknowledge that I came across this while actually in search of stupid shit. I was on the plane coming home from Boston last weekend, worn out beyond belief after seven games with only 12 1/2 guys. I had lots of good stuff with me to read, but my brain wasn't up to the task. So that left the SkyMall (blow-a-hole-in-your-checkbook) Magazine as my only option.

Anyway, this item is awesome... "a true milestone in Golden Proof history." I dare anyone to come up with a more perfectly dumb way for a person to throw their money away. And you can't use the Name-A-Star Registry scam.

My favorite part of the Million Dollar Proof is the notice on the gold plating that says "THIS CERTIFICATE OF WEALTH IS NOT A REPRESENTATION OR FACSIMILE OF ANY DEBT OR PRESENT U.S. FINANCIAL OBLIGATION." Gee, thanks Washington Mint for clearing that up. Otherwise, I guess folks would be walking into banks with their proofs brought for $119, hoping to exchange them for $1 million in cash.

My other favorite part is that it comes with a certificate of authenticity. You know, just in case someone comes along and questions the fact that you truly were stupid enough to plunk down $119 for a golden proof of non-existent currency.

Would Only Work in Pittsburgh

This afternoon, I heard 94.7 FM advertising their upcoming All-American classic rock Independence Day weekend. Sure, patriotism sells these days... but this is just suicide! Think about - a classic rock station going 72 hours without the Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton (solo + his three big bands), Pink Floyd, the Police, The Beatles, The Who, and Led Zeppelin.

So basically, what they're saying is: If you're in the mood to hear Bad Company, Journey, or Boston this weekend tune into 94.7.

Virginia is for Haters (.com)

I'm glad someone came up with the idea to use a catchy title like that. While I'm certain that the tourism boycott will have no effect, the underlying cause is a good one.

Virginia's right-wing legislators wanted to one-up the rest of the country's gay bashers, so they came as close to outlawing homosexual relationships as they could... even beyond the marriage issue. Pretty much the only thing they didn't do was attach an amendment that said "get out of Virginia you fags."

And these legislators, rotten as they are, are not stupid. They have legislative counsel who surely advised them that this extreme law-- with its hooks jabbing deep into non-family law areas including contract law-- is susceptible to a strong Constitutional challenge which could succeed in rolling back the law. But that's besides the point. They just wanted to show off how much they hated gay people.