Man vs. Machine -- and I lost

Damnit! I discovered a new awful way to start a morning. The vending machine downstairs just jacked me.

Even worse, though, is that all three of my attempted remedies failed, leaving me to feel like a complete schmuck. First, I thought that with the item dangling tantalizingly close to dropping I could shake it loose. No dice. Second, I broke down and went the "oh well, I'll pay a second time and just get a double return to break even" route. No dice - the second package just assumed the first package's almost-there position after the first package dropped.

So then I really got to shaking. Violently enough that I drew the attention of a good number of people. This was do or die. Now that people were looking, I could not fail (even though everyone acts as if they are not interested, we all want to see whether a machine-shaker actually wins or goes away in defeat). If I get my candy, then I am a manly man and all is well. If not, then I'm the law school jagoff of the morning.

The candy does not fall. Fuck. For a moment I consider reaching my hand into the slot to pretend-retrieve spoils of victory for show, but decide instead to accept my fate. Crushing defeat. Plus my back is actually sore now from the tussle with the huge machine. Pathetic.

- - In other completely unrelated news, there is a first year law student at Pitt that looks shockingly like a younger Hillary Clinton. Its been killing me all year. Its one of those things you just want to blurt out to the person but know will sound like an insult no matter how you couch it.

Drunken Idiot or Drunken Hero?

This is directly from Iron Maiden's website. Two questions came to me while reading this: (1) Do you think the guy did it on purpose? and (2) What the hell was I doing on Iron Maiden's website?

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25/01/2004 Hammerstein drunken idiot

For those who aren't sure what happened, some idiot in the first couple of rows on the mezzanine above the mixing desk thought it was a good idea to chuck his beer in the air rather then down his throat. It landed on the desk blowing too many channels to be retrievable. This prevented us playing any encores. We are very sorry for the fans there and we know you know there was absolutely nothing we could do. Believe me the band were gutted. It was a great gig up til then. Thanks from the band for the good natured way you accepted this bad news - we always say Maiden fans are the best.

Maybe we will see some of you again on Monday or Tuesday and to anyone else coming along, remember beer is to be drunk not thrown at a gig. And to the idiot who caused this, l do hope you learned a lesson.

Rod Smallwood
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Oh, how I love the NRA

The Senate passed a big spending bill today which included a provision that got slipped in by a Kansas Republican in the House (without any debate). The measure basically kills the maintenance of federal gun ownership records.

Prior to this change, the FBI maintained records of gun purchases for 90 days related to its background checking function. During this period the records were used to complete more thorough checks and were also accessible to criminal investigators. Sounds useful to me. Or at least reasonable. Now, however, the FBI will be directed to destroy such records within 24 hours of purchases. Score one for the Nefarious Reckless Americans-- or as they prefer to be called, the "National Rifle Association."

Even more painful than the change, though, is hearing a justification for the change from the lips of Wayne LaPierre, NRA Executive Vice President. He maintains that "the FBI has no more right to maintain gun ownership information than it would to maintain a database with information on who reads the morning newspaper."

To be fair, I am willing to concede there is at least a slight possibility that Mr. LaPierre has a valid point. So the next time an American is fatally shot by his or her morning newspaper, I'll eat my hat. And join the NRA.

Some things to try in the Cold

Went up to Lake Placid, NY to visit a friend and ski this weekend. Really had a great time in general. Here are some suggestions for future winter outings.

First item - go ski at Whiteface Mountain. Temperatures around zero and sustained winds over 30 miles per hour blowing directly against the chair lifts make for quite an experience. At least until they close the mountain for the day because the winds become unsafe.

- We knew we were in for some nasty stuff when we arrived in the ski area parking lot and had trouble taking skis out of the car because of wind catching them.

Second item - drive on messy, snow covered roads without windshield wipers.

- It was so cold that my wiper fluid froze the night before we left to drive home. Some buttholes at my local Jiffy Lube obviously cheaped out and used water-diluted wiper mix during my last visit instead of the regular minus 25 rated stuff. I guess they just hope their customers' cars don't see below zero weather. Or that when they do, the drivers don't put two and two together.

Third item - after a long winter road trip resulting in a filthy car, go use an outdoor self car wash when the temperature is still only around 14 degrees.

- Last night, I got back to Pittsburgh with an outrageously disgusting car. Compared to arctic upstate New York, things didn't seem too bad around the Burgh, so I went to give my Taurus a quick hose-down on the way home. When the water started freezing right onto my car, sealing my doors shut, and coating my windows with ice, I realized that maybe it wasn't quite as warm as I thought.

I have a plant in my apartment that probably wants to kick my ass

There is a certain To Do list item that has been dogging me for about a year. It's been a while since I last repotted my awesome African violet, so it is desperately in need of a new home.

I am quite an accomplished procrastinator in general, but this task is certainly among my all-time greatest (non) performances. A real masterpiece:

Almost a year ago, I wrote a note which said "REPOT ME" and placed it on the window sill with the plant. A couple weeks ago, I had to throw that note away after realizing it had become filthy with age. Sometime last summer, I bought a big bag of African violet potting mix from Home Depot. The bag sits unopened in my closet. Over winter break, during another visit to Home Depot, I found and bought a nice pot for the violet... and added it to the closet pile. And now I am writing about not replanting the thing!

And actually, I even procrastinated when it came to writing about procrastinating. I originally meant to blog about this last week!

A billboard made me realize why I've been oversleeping

For the past year or two, my radio alarm has been set to 96.9 FM. This means waking up to Quinn, Pittsburgh radio's well known pop DJ turned fascist talk show host. Even with lightning quick alarm snoozer reflexes, the damage is done as soon as his voice hits your ears. You are awake. Going back to sleep is not an option. Just hearing a half second snippet of that voice gets me so pissed off (and sometimes frightened) that oversleeping is physically impossible. Kind of like a shot of anti-NyQuil.

During the past week or so, though, I have been uncharacteristically sleeping in. And perhaps also waking up with a lower anger level than normal.

Finally, this afternoon my bus drove by a big billboard which explained everything. The ad was for Quinn in the Morning on the New FM NewsTalk 104.7. That bastard switched stations on me. What an asshole!

Only two months until March Madness

Brian Boucher just notched his fifth straight shutout in goal for Phoenix. Hooray for hockey.

Okay, sure its a great accomplishment in any era, but let's be serious here. If a goalie put together five straight blanks a decade ago, it would be an "oh my God" / worth-wetting-your-pants-over event. Today? It's almost bad news hearing something like that.

When you take a look at the all-time list of shutout streaks going back almost a century, seven of the top nine came in the past six seasons. That's pretty awful.

So how much can you really celebrate an accomplishment that's essentially a demonstration of how the game has been ruined? Its like when Barry Bonds hit 73 homers a couple years ago. Sure, its a nice gigantic number, but it came at a time when major league baseball players have gone all Hulk on us and are also inexplicably allowed to wear body armor in the batters box so they can more safely crowd the plate.

Through the early 90s, baseball and hockey scores were typically pretty similar. And fans of both seemed pretty happy. However, today baseball scores often resemble those of football while those in hockey often resemble soccer results. And fans of neither sport are happy. I guess that's what happens when a league allows its players to play by their own rules.

One Grade 'A' Clusterf-ck

During my recent drive to Florida with Mary our conversation somehow turned to a former boss of mine who was miraculously able to use the term 'clusterf-ck' in at least nine of every ten conversations a person had with him. An example: "You two go down the hall and move some of those frames from the storage room. It's a f-ckin clusterf-ck in there." This guy liked the F word and especially liked the cluster-F word.

Anyway, Mary asked me to give her a good definition of clusterf-ck. I struggled for a moment and then gave a weak example, describing a crowded workroom with a few too many people present for the job at hand. This
discussion took place en route to Orlando during WINTER BREAK. So as it turned out, I could have gone for more accuracy and merely said "you'll see when we go to Disney's Magic Kingdom in three days."

Flashforward three days - we are heading down the road towards the park around 11am. Disney traffic (not Orlando traffic) is pretty heavy so far today. Kind of like being in Beltway traffic, but you occasionally spot a set of Mickey Mouse ears on the roadside sign which actually helps. But then we get to the parking lot gate where we are told the park is closed. Thoughts of the famous National Lampoon's Vacation scene flash by ("Sorry folks, Walley World is closed!")

So yes, even the ever money-thirsty Disney empire has its limits. The park is already so full that all traffic is being directed over into the exit lanes. No more admissions until this afternoon.

We return about four hours later determined to enter the Magic Kingdom, even if we have to pay the $52 full price admission despite arriving late in the afternoon. Talk about being under the spell of Disney! After another four hours, we have managed to get on like three rides and eat a "space hot dog" near the entrance to Space Mountain. It suspiciously resembles a regular hot dog. Though perhaps they used space-rat-ass and space-other-assorted-disgusting-things in assembling it.

Ahhh... there's nothing like Disney World's Magic Kingdom three days after Christmas. Here we are in the center of the planet's most spectacular clusterf-ck. I wish my old boss was here with us just to see the look on all the parents' faces as he walked around inevitably dirtying the minds of all children within earshot.

NOTE - To be fair, I actually managed to have a bit of fun despite having to kung-fu our way through whole families just to attain a healthy 10 feet per hour walking speed across the park. And two days earlier, I had a lot of fun over at Epcot where Disney had the smarts to actually incorporate open spaces into the park.

The latest evil threat to America... Me

I will not be working this spring at the U.S. Attorney's office in Pittsburgh. The office is located within a Federal building. Thus, all employees must be given a security clearance. As I discovered, the forms ask whether applicants have used any illegal substances over the past twelve months. I am not into lying on that sort of thing - both for the obvious reasons and because it then puts your character references into an awkward position. So I reported the two times I puffed during my 2003 summer break.

So while raging alcoholics may be on the loose within the Department of Justice, I was denied a chance to work there because of smoking a couple times about six months ago. I guess its a line drawing thing. (how should DOJ determine exactly what level of use is acceptable if they do not use a blanket policy?)

The thing that leaves a sour taste in my mouth, though, is that I have the credentials and obviously do not have any drug-related character issues. Furthermore, I got the impression from the man who would have been my boss that he was unfazed when I told him about what I would be reporting on the security clearance form. Basically, he made it sound like I would have been working at his office if someone other than John Ashcroft was running the department.

If DOJ is really worried about this kind of thing, perhaps they should be looking further into alcohol abuse - or at least asking about it on their form. I mean, who is more likely to do something to cause a security issue? Supremely drunk people probably suffer from looser lips than folks who smoke and catch a buzz once in a blue moon. And unlike heroin or cocaine, the addiction/dependency issue was not present in my situation as I assume that people don't sell-out government security or secrets for cash just to buy weed.

Oh well. I guess I got what I deserve for breaking the law and then trying to work for a branch of DOJ. But it just irks me that while I was honest on the form, countless others in the same situation have probably lied and been accepted as productive workers.

Happy New Year!

Mary and I just returned from our Florida road trip engaged! It happened during our two night stop in Charleston, SC on the way home.

Now back to the real world.