MR. STEIN GOES TO WASHINGTON

Just got off a ridiculous elevator ride here at school. I now know what my first order of business will be when I get elected to Congress. I will be proposing the following piece of legislation:

__ U.S.C. Sec. ____

The Federal Elevator Usage Act of 2021*

Sec. 1 - Felony Elevator Riding
(a) Use of an elevator to travel up only one floor in a building shall be considered a felony. Such criminal acts shall be punishable by incarceration for up to two (2) years and/or fines of up to $100,000
(b) Use of an elevator to travel down only one floor in a building shall be considered a felony. Such criminal acts shall be punishable by incarceration for up to ten (10) years and/or fines of up to $500,000.
(c) In establishing prison sentences, judges may consider aggravating factors such as the amount of lawful elevator riders inconvenienced by the commission of the felony.

Sec. 2 - Misdemeanor Elevator Riding
Use of an elevator to travel down two floors in a building shall be considered a misdemeanor violation. Such criminal acts shall be punishable by fines of up to $2,000.

Sec. 3 - Exceptions
(a) Sections 1 and 2 of this criminal statute shall not apply to persons with physical disabilities or persons carrying significant weight.
(b) De minimus transportation, such as carrying a lunch or a backpack, does not qualify a person for the significant weight exception.

* This Act may also be referred to as the "Take the Fucking Stairs Act"