I figured out what's wrong with the Steelers

Basically, it all went wrong in week 1 when we crushed Baltimore rather than getting our necessary opening day kick in the groin. Though it sounds ridiculous, it looks like we really do need to be thoroughly embarrassed on opening day for the season to turn out right. And as a demonstration of how much useless info I have stored in my head, its worth noting that I pulled all the following info from memory.

Take a look at the last five winning seasons - 1996-97 and 2000-02. Each season they opened with a terribly played debacle of a game: Jacksonville, Dallas, Baltimore, Jacksonville, and New England respectively. Yet they rebounded in each season to finish on a big run.

Now take a look at the last three losing seasons - 1998-99 & 2003. Each season they opened with a big win: Baltimore, Cleveland, and Baltimore respectively. Yet they collapsed in each season to finish in a tailspin: 5-9 in 1998 after a 2-0 start; 4-10 in 1999 after a 2-0 start; 2-7 so far in 2003 after our 2-1 start.

I think that's pretty strong evidence. Evidence of what, I'm not sure. Perhaps that our team is just collectively F'd in the head?? Oh well. Guess its time to start rooting for a good draft position instead of wins.

Additionally, GO TERPS.

For fans of old school Nintendo only

If there was a scene in the Matrix trilogy where Neo had to play a video game, this is what it would look like.. the classic Super Mario Bros. 3 beaten in 11 minutes. Surely, one of the most important human achievements of our time.

As far as I could tell from this video, the guy only had one incredibly small screw up over the entire game - getting a mushroom card at the end of a level when he needed a third star for the three of a kind bonus:

web.inter.nl.net/users/flabber/mario.bros.11.minutes/mariobros11minutes.wmv
The file is 18 megs, so if you're on a dial-up, it might be a half hour ordeal to get this. (I'd suggest right-clicking and saving instead of direct left-click access through your browser)

Making Big Bucks by way of Chugging Beer

Sometimes guys really are suckers.

Last night, as midnight became 1:30am and it became clear that our group of revilers was going to outlast and outdrink the other cliques around the bar, our waitress smartly began turning on the Tip Charm.

Note - at various points during the evening, I had actually been sorely disappointed in the lack of service. On two occasions I ordered a drink or a pitcher, took a five to ten minute call on my cell downstairs, then went for an extended bladder clearance only to return and find that after 10+ minutes she had not brought any bladder refilling liquids. I actually pointed this out when the time to pay came, but such arguments have no power over the minds of drunk males at 2am.

A bar waitress knows the drunken male as well anyone. With the night winding down, she starts getting chummy with the right people. On this occasion, she skillfully found herself a seat at our table without looking as if there was an effort to do so. And then finally, her moment arrived. One of our party's more boisterous males offered her a beer. With as much grace as possible for the event, she sucked down a 12 ounce cup of Yuengling in under two seconds. That sealed the deal. All the men at the table - myself excepted - went stupid and got all turned on.

Amazing. She drinks OUR beer and winds up with a monster tip as a result. Maybe she was just being friendly -- and really needed a drink -- but can you imagine a dude-waiter trying to pull off some shit like that with us???

Reasoning Behind Recent Terrorist Bombings: "Smart" or Stupid?

Are all these bombings in Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Iraq aimed a driving a wedge between the Bush Administration and those who might otherwise be inclined to cooperate with them? If this is the goal, I would say the bombers are totally misguided - assuming for the moment that there is a such thing as a "sensible" bombing with which these current atrocities could be compared.

Don't they understand their initial problem is that the current administration (?and much of America?) doesn't give a damn about whether it has any allies or what happens in other countries? No matter how many nations the terrorists upset or somehow turn against the U.S., the killing of non-Americans will not make even a slight dent on American policy.

If anything, these recent bombings likely re-assure many Americans that the Bush Administration is doing a fantastic job of protecting America because the terrorists are attacking places like Riyadh and Istanbul instead of "untouchable" American cities.

While I am not rooting for American cities to be targeted, I also hope the terrorists see that attacks carried out in the Middle East and Turkey are even more ridiculous and wasteful than those within the United States. Each time one of these bombings occurs, deep down, I am sure many folks over here are thinking "I'm glad that wasn't my neighborhood - Bush must be doing something right to keep that mess away from our borders."

But on the other hand, I shudder when I wonder if all the recent low-tech/low-organization bombings NOT in the United States are actually designed to lull Americans into a sense of security. Now that would be "smart reasoning" in a most evil way.

I also wonder whether the next operation within our borders is actually being calculated politically. Is such an attempt being held up until after the fall 2004 election in order to deprive Bush of the easy victory that would stem from another 9-11-type boost in the polls???

Thanksgiving Eve aka Night of the $500 Bar Tab

Once again we're approaching one the great evenings of the year for debauchery. In my humble opinion, its the greatest of them all. So let's run a comparison with some of the other special drinking days on the calendar to see how it stacks up:

Right off the top, St. Patty's Day, Halloween, and birthdays are disqualified. They're obviously fun, however they tend to fall on weeknights. Case closed.

Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day are also often or always weeknights, but they survive the initial level of scrutiny because unlike the former three, its (almost) acceptable to roll out of bed and get started right away. In other words - treat these like a Sunday tailgate for a late-day football game. They also seem to be drunken-friendly because the weather is warm. No need to worry about that guy passed out half naked in the back yard... he won't be dying of hypothermia on these nights. However, in terms of fostering a festive mood, I will argue that Labor Day blows. How happy can one really be considering summer is over? So knock that one off the list.

Among other events, I guess Groundhog Day is a pretty wild freak show if you live in Punxsutawney, but its a non-event elsewhere. And New Year's Eve just never lives up to the hype. This leaves my top three.

3) Memorial Day
The opposite of Labor Day. Summer is on the way. Okay, I guess its supposed to be a sad holiday and time of remembrance, but pretty much every year I find myself doing something fun and outdoorsy often involving alcohol.

2) July 4th
Suffers a bit from the New Year's hype/expectation syndrome. But its not freezing and you can usually find a good barbecue for the sake of pigging-out. And you get to watch fireworks which are a synthesis of the two other coolest things to see while enhanced: fire and explosive forces at work. Plus you're celebrating something more significant than the Earth making another orbit of the Sun.

1) Thanksgiving Eve
Unlike its more recognized counterpart, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving Eve carries with it no obligation to be all wholesome and generally not at a bar. Additionally, if you do hit the bars on Thanksgiving Eve, there is always the potential for meeting up with folks you have not seen in months or years. This can be either rewarding ("wow, it was nice seeing X again") or hilarious ("wow, I can't believe we saw Y last night!")

Most importantly, Thanksgiving Eve is also the only drinking night that comes with a built-in four day recovery period. I'm thinking the Indians and Pilgrims just needed a holiday after that big Wednesday night kegger over at Plymouth Rock. So in case you feel the need to throw down half a bottle of vodka at the end of your ten-beer evening... go for it. You can relax and take your time in the hospital recovery unit. You don't have shit to do.

What ever happened to good ol' glue sniffing?

I was originally planning on whining about the Steelers this morning. However, while watching in horror as we imploded against the 49ers last night, I received an outstanding report on happenings at Kinko's Pitt Campus location that is more newsworthy... or at least more ridiculous.

Briefly - some dumb kid walked into Kinko's yesterday, swiped a cartridge of ink/toner from one of the copiers, ran out the door, but then could not control his thirst for the delicious vapors long enough to even make a getaway.

Yep - he huffed it right on the street outside the store. And then he passed out on the spot. And then he woke up so the cops could arrest him. Pathetic, hilarious, and sad all gloriously rolled into one. Kind of like the Steelers' season. Except for the hilarious part.

While on the topic of lethal food products

Sure, this Hepatitis A outbreak is bad, but people are really spazzing around here. Every time you turn on the TV, you see person-in-the-street interviews or town meetings where some clueless person inevitably asks "so when I make thanksgiving dinner this month, how do I know if the turkey has hepatitis?"

Hmmm... I guess for starters you should look for a turkey labeled Not Previously Used as an Ass-Wipe. But seriously, what can you really do other than putting your trust in the system - and avoiding obviously ass-wiped food products such as Taco Bell?

Additionally, I wish there was video available online of the photo-op where all the local Chamber of Commerce-type suits lined up at the Beaver Valley Mall's food court to demonstrate they weren't afraid to eat at the non-Chi-Chi's restaurants - it was fantastic. Half of the men really appeared to hesitate before taking a bite, as if thinking "how bad would it look if I decided to wuss-out right in front of all these cameras?"

I Took a Bullet for Humanity Today

Late afternoon... too late for lunch, too early for dinner... time for a visit to the Law School vending machines. After a quick glance around at the typical fare, I see a HOT DOG WITH MUSTARD in the machine! Actually, a *picture* of a hot dog with mustard.

You see, it appears that Snyder's of Hanover has created a new potato chip. They're called "Coney Island Hot Dog with Mustard flavored Potato Chips." [Note - the word "flavored" is in super-small print on the label. Perhaps Snyder's is hoping people actually think there are real hot dog bits in the bag. This begs the question - which alternative is more frightening?]

Anyway, I saw there was only one bag left on the rack. Or was there only one bag ever placed on the rack to start with?? Or maybe there is a hidden camera nearby waiting to observe an unwitting participant experience excruciating pain as a part of Snyder's secret Hot-Dog-Chip-Warfare experimentation??

Needless to say, I threw down and went for it. I'm still alive and tend to think of myself as a hero now. Kind of like one of those guys that hurls himself on the live grenade for the sake of his buddies.

Lesson: Steer clear of any "food" packaged in something bearing an image of a hot dog and you might just make it to tomorrow.

In case you still thought politicians were cool...

Go here now.

Both incredible and horrifying. 30 hours of non-stop bickering in the Senate which both sides agree BEFOREHAND will amount to little or nothing...

For 30 hours from tonight through midnight tomorrow, Democrats and Republicans will flame each other during 30-minute back-and-forths over four filibustered Appeals Court nominees. Talk about the lamest sleep-over party EVER!

Additionally, each side has actually threatened to use Senate procedural rules to sneak in votes if the present Democrats or Republicans get caught (literally) sleeping. What about sticking their hands in warm water or spraying shaving cream on them while they sleep???

("Because Senate rules require agreement from both sides to quickly confirm a nominee, the GOP can't force a confirmation vote as long as a Democrat is present on the floor to object. But if they fall asleep or stop paying attention, Santorum said, the GOP will immediately confirm the nominees. 'They're forewarned: If the floor is not protected, the vote will be called,' Santorum said.

In turn, Daschle said, if Republicans stop paying attention, they will immediately pass Democratic legislation like a bill to raise the minimum wage or one to create a tax credit to stimulate creation of manufacturing jobs.")

Could Washington be more Washington-like? I think not. Still, I'm sure the pissing match will be less disappointing than the Matrix Revolutions.

So what happened to Morpheus? (no spoilers)

Saw the movie over the weekend. I noticed that Lawrence Fishburne / Morpheus was basically no more than an extra in the film.

I am assuming he must have been trapped in the Matrix... hawking Dish Network satellite TVs and generally getting fat.

Out of Control Over the Pigskin

Preface: I like football "as much as the next guy" (alright - I admit it. I like football so much that I knifed "the next guy" when I found out he was a Cleveland fan) - but this city is sick.

Yes, the Steelers suck right now. Yes, that makes me extraordinarily sad. But saturating every available column inch of newsprint and every radio and television signal in Southwestern Pennsylvania to talk about it 24 hours a day??? Insanity. It seems like the only news that can trump the Steelers in this town is the Steelers playing significantly below expectations.

Meanwhile, the Penguins' superhero 18 year-old goaltender was just named NHL Rookie of the Month in his first month as a professional. Did anyone in Pittsburgh hear about that? Hell no. All the talking heads - and at times even legitimate news reporters - have been too busy analyzing and commenting on serious issues such as who will be the Steelers' number four cornerback this Sunday and whether or not Coach Bill Cowher will be given a contract extension that would take effect three years from now.

I'll actually be at the game on Sunday. But I think I'll wear a Penguins jersey this week.

PS - If you need further evidence of this area's problem with football and priorities, take a look at Halloween 2003. For most of America, this past Halloween came on October 31 as it does every fall. However, in southwest PA, there was a small (large) problem. October 31 was a Friday night. And unless World War III breaks out on an Autumn Friday evening, there is nothing going on around here except high school football.

So you guessed it. Halloween got officially bumped. For high school football.

The Best Wake-Up Service in Town

The Pittsburgh Department of Public Works is ripping up my part of Shadyside. Something going on with the gas lines from what I can gather.

So there have been mornings recently where construction guys have been right outside our building with jackhammers around 7:15am. Let that sink in. Seven fifteen. Jackhammers.

I am usually up between seven and eight, so for me this is not an issue of actually losing much sleep. Its all about the quality of the wake-up. Just because I am awake doesn't mean I'm THAT awake. And the folks in the neighborhood with nighttime jobs must really love this.

I'm not the type of person to just take this kind of thing without at least a low-budget, pathetic fight. So after a couple calls and emails, I finally speak to someone at DPW who informs me that there are actually no rules for this sort of thing; they can literally do whatever they want.

A day later, I also receive an email response from the Mayor's Service Center re-assuring me that there are some rules for DPW. Dolores Hanna tells me that "7:00 a.m. is the accepted starting time for jack hammering."

Who the hell accepts 7am as residential jackhammer time? 8:00? Okay. Fine. But 7:00???